Whoa-kay, the Holidays!

In recent years, approximately a quarter of Americans revealed that they experience more stress* than in previous years, according to a poll last year by American Psychiatric Association. While this study also reveals people are happy about certain aspects of the holidays—particularly getting together with family and friends and eating good food—let’s take a moment to become aware of the other impacts that the holidays might have on us and on those who we love and care about.

So, while holidays are often described as a time of joy and celebrations of various kinds, for many people they bring a more mixed emotional reality marked by stress, loneliness, or the resurfacing of painful memories of people and relationships (including the relationship with self) that could have, or should have, been, or things that never came to pass. 

The very things that make the season feel special---the seasonal music, the aromas, family gatherings, the lights and decorations---can also stir painful, emotional undercurrents, if there have been losses, and/or anxiety, if divisions have emerged among family members.

Why Does the Thanksgiving and Christmas Holiday Season Activate Stress for Some?

Many people who have experienced relational trauma of some kind—a separation or divorce, an affair, difficulties with immediate family or in-laws, a death of someone they love, a layoff or firing—can become mired in a thick layer of emotional intensity, perhaps made worse by shorter, cold days with their long shadows, and even colder, long nights. Science confirms what many have long known:  Certain times of year can stir implicit memories stored in the body and nervous system in the recent and more distant past. As a result, there can be struggles with:

• Sensory overload:  Bright Christmas lights, crowded stores, and certain holiday songs or scents, for example, can overwhelm the senses and act as unconscious reminders of times that felt either unsafe, or times that felt a whole lot safer than they feel now.
• Unspoken expectations:  Family gatherings often come with subtle and not-so-subtle pressures about how one should behave or feel. So much of this can feel performative—or at least obligatory. This certainly can lead to anxiety, shame (or shaming), withdrawal or detachment, or a bit of hypervigilance around certain subject matter.
• Anniversary reactions:  The brain and the senses remember what happened in the past around this season---and who is missing from it.
• Disrupted routines of all kinds:  Travel, altered schedules, and reduced access to normal supports (like the comfort of daily routines, quiet space, and therapy) can make emotional regulation more difficult.
• Relational strain: Old dynamics reappear. Sometimes, the people we share holidays with are also part of the story of our pain.

How Can Holidays Feel More Manageable?

Healing Through Awareness and Boundaries

Now is the time to try to cultivate a daily practice of physical and emotional awareness. I’m talking about a form of prophylactic healing through awareness—of the breath (for emotion regulation purposes); of people’s, and our own, relational patterns, self-talk, and  boundaries, which really are another way to talk about how to manage expectations, both your own and theirs. Recognition of these patterns doesn’t make the holidays easy for everyone, but it does make them more manageable. If this season feels heavy to you, try:

• Identifying your activating flash points -- specific environmental stimuli that tend to bring distress or sadness.
• Planning ahead -- Know your limits and communicate them early and often enough to manage others’ expectations, and yours. (For example, it’s truly okay to say no, leave early, take breaks to go to for a walk, to the gym, or to a coffee shop or grocery store in order to preserve your away-from-family time. You also might opt to connect with “family-of-choice” during bits and pieces of the holidays, or even to make the choice to travel elsewhere, if funds allow.)
• Practicing guided imagery for centering and grounding. -- Make use of “breath awareness” techniques and sensory focus by using your favorite guided imagery app or YouTube video, or even simple phrases (e.g., “I am here, and I am safe right now.”) to stay present within yourself. This way, you’ll not only make the best decisions for yourself, moment to moment, but you’ll find diplomatic and metabolizable-enough ways to communicate your actions with others. 
• Creating new traditions – At least for next year, if not for this year’s holiday season, think about rituals that reflect who you are now, not just the you of holidays past. What would it be like to spend one or more of the upcoming holidays with different people in a different location? Or, to have your home look like the person you’re becoming and growing into now?—Keep what’s good of the earlier elements, for sure, and also consider moving toward what feels like something beautifully different.
• Giving yourself permission to feel what’s true. You don’t have to be performatively happy to be worthy of love, after all. Life is short, and it’s more important to be generally kind to self and others (by, for example, managing expectations all around). It won’t feel nearly as draining, if you do. Even small moments of kindness, short periods of listening and attunement, or forgiveness (for the sake of your own equanimity, I mean) can rewire emotional patterns. 

All of that said, sometimes, it can help to have a place to get emotionally organized. If that’s not the gym, or a few kilometers’ worth of running for you, then consider contacting a trusted friend, a member of the clergy, or even a therapist in your area. (For now, and going forward, please be careful about revealing sensitive information about yourself to AI’s large language model bots and tools, like ChatGPT’s Copilot or Google’s Gemini, particularly if you’re)

If you can’t find help this season on the time line that you need, maybe a checklist could be 

A Holiday Checklist to Minimize Stress

Before the Holidays Arrive
☐ Identify things that are likely to overwhelm you (music, relatives, travel, etc.).
☐ Set clear expectations for yourself and others for what you can and cannot do, and when you might be taking some time for yourself, both in advance of any planned get-togethers and during these visits as well.
☐ Reacquaint yourself with your trusted, brief ways to reduce stress (guided imagery meditation, walking/running, yoga and general stretching), especially if it’s been a while.
☐ Arrange ongoing support (trusted friend, therapist, faith leader).

During the Holidays

☐ Take sensory breaks—quiet walks, deep breathing, engaging in a packable/transportable hobby, or spending some time alone—early and often.
☐ Focus on one meaningful connection, instead of efforts to please everyone.
☐ Please remember, presence matters more than performance.
☐ Give yourself permission to be exactly where you are, emotionally, full stop!
☐ Engage in brief stints of stretching and your preferred form of mediation.

After the Holidays

☐ Exhale—you did it! You stayed true to you and your needs to the best of your abilities.
☐ Reflect gently on what went well and what felt challenging.
☐ Talk through experiences in therapy or family meetings.
☐ Celebrate progress, however small, because every bit of it matters. Real change often begins not with doing more, but with offering yourself compassion and rest.

In closing, the holidays remind us that relationships matter—not just the ones that look festive in the photos, but the real, imperfect, ongoing work of learning to reconnect with love, ourselves, and to be loved again.

Whether your season feels peaceful or painful, let it also be honest. Healing is, in its own way, the deepest kind of celebration.